'funded'

We are currently seeking an experienced Senior Frontend Developer (Javascript,Angular)Engineer

I dropped out of college after my third year, so I'm technically only a Junior.

for a ‘funded/established start-up’ in SF.

Are the quotes strictly necessary?

They seek best-in-class senior software engineer to join their engineering team..

I prefer functional programming, so classes don't sit well with me.

HERE ARE JOBS

SUBJECT: Are you interested in…

...making a change to a disruptive startup in the Bay Area?

Is there some character limit on subject lines I'm unaware of?

You have incredible/awesome skill set

Couldn't figure out how to flatter me best?

and with your frontend background I wanted to send you a quick ping.

7 packets transmitted, 0 received, 100% packet loss, time 6048ms

I have a fabulous team with disruptive companies looking for engineers with front-end experience. To name a few…

Not sure why I'd care about the quality of your recruiting team, but congrats!

Initech: ~7 MM in Menlo Park. Phone System for the Mobile World. Brings simplicity, affordability, and multi-channel customer service to business telephony. Check Initech out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fy3rjQGc6lA

Weyland-Yutani: $15 MM in SF. Team of around 40 ppl. Changing the way Americans invest. Using algorithms to place client assets in diversified portfolios. High trafficked & consumer facing with really big hitters as investors / advisers.

Cyberdyne Systems: Profitable, in newly minted SF office, high growth e-commerce company. Passionate about changing the way people shop online. Millions of Members – and growing fast – over 40% per year for the last 5 years.

Do any of these pique your interest? Or are you looking to hear about other startups?

I can read TechCrunch just fine on my own, thank you.

Recruiter pyramid scheme

SUBJECT: Do you have any recommendation

Try the veal! (and question marks, they're really neat)

I need to ask for your help today. I reviewed your acumen and I'd really like to chat with you if you have a second. Network for a bit if you will. You seem like your network of associates would know someone for this opportunity.

I haven't seen such hemming and hawing since I visited that garment factory run by donkeys.

I am looking for a solid JavaScript Developer to join a top notch company who has a very strong presence nationwide with a massive growth initiative. Company is located in Mill Valley with a few offices around the country and they are looking for someone in the Mill Valley/San Francisco area.

I'm looking for a recruiter who's willing to put some effort into things.

<Google URL shortener leading to a 404 job page>

I can't think of a lazier way to do that.

Let me know if you have a second to chat about the role and direct me to someone you know who might be a good fit for the role.

There's a job for that - I think they're called "recruiters"

Looking forward to chatting with you.

Would I need to move your mouth for you, or can you handle that?

Please don't write a database

Silicon Valley Interview Request: Direct Hire - Sr. Javascript Software Engineer for Big Data Client porting their architecture to a SaaS Model

"Bill, I've had a brilliant idea" "What's that, Bob?" "Why don't we stuff as many technical words into our subject lines as possible? They'll be bound to read it" "Brilliant! Have a promotion"

I have a very urgent need that I believe you are a great fit after reviewing your profile.

...You need to believe I'm a great fit? Wishful thinking will only get you so far.

I have a unique client in Silicon Valley that is the leader in their market niche,

(not unique)

is porting their architecture from a static model delivery to a SaaS model

(totally normal)

and delivers a product that is a critical factor that affect the capital markets across the globe.

(dozens, if not hundreds of companies do this)

This client performs catastrophe modeling to price risk for 60% of the global insurance/re-insurance market.

So you're actuaries. Exciting!

We need a Sr. JavaScript engineer with strong commercial development experience

☑ Must be able to lift up to 50 lbs. of commercial development experience 10 to 15 times per day/shift.

either knockout JS, Angular JS, backbone JS, bootstrapper JS and SASS and/or LESS.

"bootstraper JS". Solid market knowledge there. (Also, why is Angular the only one worthy of proper noun status?)

Please let me know when I can contact you.

About ten seconds after you realize you made it to InMail Fail.

The demon recruiter, pt3

RE: I'm sorry! Whoops! (ASAG)

RE: RE: RE: RE: Sorry not sorry. Also, someone should tell ASAG the signature goes at the end of the message.

I hope that I'm not coming across as too persistent,

The thought never crossed my mind.

but per my previous correspondence, I would welcome the opportunity to have a conversation with you to discuss the below referenced opportunity.

I now have the opportunity to create the opportunity to discuss an opportunity. We have to go deeper!

Either way, kindly respond either way by "Accepting" or "Declining" my message so that I don't message you again wondering if you received it.

But who will provide InMail Fail fodder?

If my timing is right, when would be a good time to schedule a call?

You're seventeen seconds too late, bub.

My client is revolutionizing how companies address customer feedback from social networks, leveraging big-data technologies to become the invisible fabric that enables enterprises to listen to and leverage the voice of their consumer-centric culture.

"We look at mentions on Twitter and see if people are mad"

They are conveniently located in San Francisco and have received $18M in funding, with only 47 employees.

A whopping $18MM? What is this, amature hour?

After checking-out your profile it looks like you have the ideal background for their Sr Software Engineer (Backend) need.

Their ideal backend engineer is a frontend engineer. I like how you think.

Culture of growth – personal and professional

Seriously though, what does this even mean?

Competitive Salary + Equity + Health Benefits + 401k + Unlimited Vacation

So far you're just describing my current situation.

$500 “fun budget” and Apple products

The air quotes around "fun budget" aren't helping your case

Tons of snacks and endless flow of Nespresso!

Endless?!? OH GOD THE CAFFEINE, SOMEONE, BUILD AN ARK!

The demon recruiter, pt2

RE: Checking back in! (ASAG)

You again. Come to torment me a second time?

I just wanted to make sure that you received my below email.

Signed, sealed, delivered, and ignored.

If my timing is right, let's schedule a quick call so that I can share details about the position.

Unlike the details you've shared below? WHAT ARE YOU HIDING FROM ME?

Either way, kindly respond either way by "Accepting" or "Declining" my message so that I don't message you again wondering if you received it.

You're persistent, I'll give you that.

Let me know.

Will publishing this on InMail Fail be enough of a message?


My client is revolutionizing how companies address customer feedback from social networks, leveraging big-data technologies to become the invisible fabric that enables enterprises to listen to and leverage the voice of their consumer-centric culture.

So, customer support?

They are conveniently located in San Francisco and have received $18M in funding, with only 47 employees.

So too late to get a decent slice of the equity pie, and too early to show any signs of real success. Perfect!

After checking-out your profile it looks like you have the ideal background for their Sr Software Engineer (Backend) need.

That's not how hyphens-work.

Why this is an AWESOME opportunity:

• Culture of growth – personal and professional

Something tells me I don't want my job managing my personal growth.

•$500 “fun budget” and Apple products

Even the budget is "fun sized"

The demon recruiter, pt1

RE: Thanks for chatting! (ASAG)

...This is the first time I've heard from you. Also, are you referring to the Sumerian demon?

Oh, we haven’t spoken yet? Well if that’s the case, I must be psychic!

Psychic demon recruiters. This is my penance for starting InMail Fail, isn't it.

Either way, kindly respond either way by "Accepting" or "Declining" my message so that I don't message you again wondering if you received it.

This sounds ominously like foreshadowing.

My client is revolutionizing how companies address customer feedback from social networks, leveraging big-data technologies to become the invisible fabric that enables enterprises to listen to and leverage the voice of their consumer-centric culture.

THE DARK LORD DEMANDS BUZZWORDS.

Why this is an AWESOME opportunity: Culture of growth – personal and professional Competitive Salary + Equity + Health Benefits + 401k + Unlimited Vacation

Sounds great! I'll start tomorrow and be on vacation until 2020.

Option to work remotely—when necessary

So that's what "vacation" means.

I would welcome a conversation to discuss your experience and career objectives to see if this could be a match for you.

Career objective: Maintain control of my own soul.

So impressive, I didn't bother reading it

SUBJECT: Java Role With Initech

I took a Java course in college once!

Your background is awesome. From your education

Speaking of college, I dropped out.

to your experience at $CURRENT_JOB,

My LinkedIn says nothing more than the fact that I work there.

you've really set yourself up for success in the tech world!

Yep. Millions of dollars will come pouring my way aaaaany minute now.

I'm looking for a search specialist to work with their massive amounts of job-searcher and company data.

Something I've got zero experience in! Perfect!

The Passionate Web Technologist

RE: Quick Question - JS Development

StackOverflow's probably what you're looking for

I came across your profile and noticed you have an impressive background! I would love to connect, as you might be able to help me with a search I'm conducting for one of my clients in Phoenix - a multi-billion dollar global organization!

You're searching for one of your clients? Don't you already have their email?

We're looking for a FULL-TIME passionate master of web-based technologies,

Boiled down: "We're hiring"

specifically JavaScript (browser-based and Node.js), HTML, CSS, and HTTP with a keen understanding of scale-out technologies.

I can move the slider on Heroku. That count for "scale-out tech"?

This person will be responsible for building web products at scale, leveraging the latest horizontal scaling solutions such as NoSQL and Node.js.

My favorite horizontal scaling solution is an all-you-can-eat buffet.

As a full-stack web developer, duties will include substantial client-side development.

By definition, yes. Will I also be writing code and fixing bugs?

A passion for and understanding cutting-edge Web Technologies

You accidentally an "of".

5+ years professional development experience

"Experience in old things unrelated to position required"

The frontend uses a frontend

On the tech stack side of things, the front end engineering team uses JavaScript, HTML5, and CSS

Puppy Potty Training

Our client is a VC backed startup that needs to hire a full stack web developer to potty train their puppies. OK, not really. But if you can bring print style advertising to mobile, and play with puppies than call us.

Hold on, I just got whiplash from that shift.

You will help customers visualize billions of data points,

Yoga optional

And they have Puppies. Please give me a call, email or send a resume (wouldn’t hurt to enclose puppy picture)

(This is all made funnier by the fact that my online alter-ego is SomeKittens)

Exclusivity is overrated

Subject: I'm sure you get 100's of these a day, this will be worth your time- Node.js spot to connect the world

Finally, an InMail that's worth reading!

I'm working exclusively with a company in San Jose, ran by a billionaire owner of the Aberdeen Wolfhounds. We think your experience at $COMPANY and your node.js skills set you apart as a candidate.

Not only that, I'm gullible too! I'd be appalled at this waste of my time if I weren't a Linux user.

Invisible people need not apply

Exciting Princiapl [sic] NodeJS developer position with BigCo.com, Come join a dynamic team!

We are looking for entrepreneurial full stack engineers ( NodeJS, AngularJS, Webservices) who are highly technical and hands on with strong passion to code.

I'd be a little worried if you found engineers who weren't technical.

This is a high visibility role.

I'm pale but opaque. Does that count?

I need again to read that

How are you? I am Robert and I work for SuperCloud, the #1 cloud based BI analytics company. We need again a super smart front end engineer immediately.

...I, er, what?

Ten months ago we embarked on scrapping our flex front end and replacing it with Javascript, CSS, Html and Angular.js. Our front team consists of only 4 engineers and 3 designers. Eight weeks ago we released our first version of the new UI. It rocks but... We now need new killer front end engineers to take it to the next level and take on our biggest rival InfoNix.biz.

"Killer" frontend engineers? So that's why you've got the "Are you a felon?" checkbox on your application.

Please get back to me ASAP

Will do.

We'll pay you in potential dollars!

Your technical skills and work experience may align to what we are in search of.

If only there were some way to confirm that online...

While you may be happy at $EMPLOYER, I would like to take a minute of your time to tell you about our new startup in Menlo Park called e-boz. e-boz is building a global trade platform with the potential to create an entirely new ecosystem for small and medium businesses worldwide.

My body has the potential to be converted into 4.8987976e+12 megajoules of energy

Since our team is less than 10 people, you could be building and influencing the overall architecture from the ground up within this company!

I very well could! I could not! I could eat a doughnut tomorrow! The possibilities are endless!

We are proud of our modern technology environment, using current frameworks like MEAN stack for our Frontend and APIs (MongoDB, Express, AngularJS, Node.JS), Python + Flask for our backend services, and deploy to AWS using Ansible.

Ah, the ever-fluid BuzzStack.

We put a lot of emphasis on agile development workflow and leverage all-cloud solutions to make our team as efficient as possible; our code is managed via GitHub, project tracking is done with JIRA Agile, and we use CircleCI for our Continuous Integration cycle.

I'm not sure why I'd need to know that you use CircleCI. Good for you!

The founders are Bill Kerman and Peter Gibbons, who have already built five start-ups with successful exits.

If they're founding a sixth company, after five exits, I don't think you can keep calling them "successful"

Since the company is still in stealth mode, it's hard to find info about it right now.

There's another neat startup called "Google" that helped me out there.

Grand Theft Recruiter

I was just reviewing your resume and VERY impressed with your rockstar experience!

Closest thing I've got to "rockstar experience" is a solo for Jazz choir in 11th grade. If you think that's impressive, you should see my kazoo skills.

I have multiple opportunities, in different areas, I think you would be a great fit for!

A perfect match for completely different areas!

All of my contact information is below in this email but please give me a call on my direct line, [Omitted], so we can talk about these opportunities further!

Thank you and I look forward to speaking with you soon!

Someone should tell them that there are forms of punctuation beyond ! and ,.

And don't call me ASAP!

I am a recruiter looking for a Senior Full-Stack or Back-End Software Engineer in the SF Bay Area for a rapidly growing and well-funded company.

I can only hope that said company puts in more effort to distinguish themselves from the competition.

Great compensation!

Thanks, I've been working on it lately.

You may have the experience my client needs.

...may have? Does my experience live in a quantum state that can only be collapsed by an interview?

Please leave me your number or call my colleague ASAP to discuss.

Hello colleague ASAP! It looks like we have many things to discuss. Let's start with your bland recruiting emails.

Do you has what it takes?

You sir, are invited to attend a 5 hour seminar about my good company. Only for people who know they are fantastic and has what it takes to succeed in this cut throat market.

It's certainly a "cut throat market" but you've got it a biiiit backwards.

"Junior" as in "Bill Gates, Jr"

Dear Randall Koutnik Seeking a Jr. Software Developer MVC, Java, SQL, Oracle for a fulltime employee position in Folsom, CA

It's an email title, you don't need to run it past the SEO guy.

Dear

That's fairly intimate already! Will I get dinner out of this?

Please help pass along to colleagues or associates below position who are looking for new role. IF you are not available

Title : Jr. Software Developer

Location : Folsom CA

Salary – 70k

Don't worry! I'll spam my whole network with your terrible job just for you, so long as that dinner is good.

Mandatory Skills

Wasn't that a Weird Al album?

Required to be US Citizen with the ability to obtain Federal DoD security clearance

It looks like my days of rotating school desktops 180 degrees have come back to haunt me.

  1. Formal computer science training and sound understanding and use of design patterns and theory, software engineering principles and structured development approach
  2. Experience with multi-tier business application development
  3. Demonstrated experience and proficiency with development of front end user interfaces, middle business application layers and back-end database design.
  4. Experience in all phases of the software development life cycle

You do realize "Experience" means "Not Junior", right?

Desired

  1. MVC, Java . SQL, Oracle
  2. Professional coding in Java or .NET technologies
  3. Professional experience with Oracle or SQL Server database design
  4. Professional experience with mobile application development (Android or iOS)
  5. Professional experience with Model-View-Controller (MVC) software frameworks
  6. Professional experience with version control software, such as TFS
  7. Professional UX design, User Experience and User Accessibility and testing experience

Phew! That's a lot for a junior to know. I'm thinking 5 years of "Professional experience" might not be enough to qualify. (Also, can we really call TFS "Version control software"?)

I'd be impressed if an entire team had this skillset. To throw it all in one "Junior" job is insulting.

I've got your nodes!

Javascript/HTML/CSS/Angular/Nodes Front End Developer/Engineer & Full Stack Developer @AcmeWebWidgets #Oakland

Good thing you added that hashtag, otherwise I never would have figured out where you were located.

Currently we are looking for a Front End Developer and a Full Stack Developer to join our Rock Star team

The only time you should use the phrase "Rock Star team" is if you actually are Rockstar games. And you're not.

The AcmeWebWidgets team offers very competitive salaries

Introducing the Type A salary. Never cooperate again!

medical, dental and vision plans, matching 401K, unlimited paid time off, holiday time, and a relaxed worked environment, plus soft serve ice cream daily.

I think offering comprehensive insurance may be at odds with unlimited soft serve.

Experience in geolocation also helpful

I wanted to reach out to you because I'm on the hunt for a Drupal Developer for a client in Atlanta which has proven to be pretty tough market so I'm pulling out all the stops to find the right candidate

All of the stops? Does this include dropping the spammy tactics and actually getting to know candidates?

The salary range for this position is $85,000 - $140,000

That's quite the range!

so if you know of ANYBODY who might be looking and is willing to work in Houston please send them my way and I would be more than happy to send you $1,000 if I can get them placed.

So all the stops means moving Atlanta halfway across the United States? Man, you guys will do anything to get out of actually investigating us engineers.

(For bonus points, this was CC'd to about 40 others)

You just couldn't wait, could you?

I had noticed your profile and wanted to reach out in regards to an engineering role with Initech. If you are up for a conversation I'd welcome the opportunity to connect to tell you more about the role and the company.

An opportunity to learn more about a company! Hurrah!

Here's some info:

[Five paragraphs about the company, breathlessly describing the wonderful founders, the massive funding, etc, etc]

Please let me know if I can send you more info... It would be great to keep in touch with you either way.

I'm pretty sure you've beat Wikipedia in describing this thing. If I need to write a research paper, you're at the top of the list.

Submitted by a fan who is not named Dave

Hello Dave! Hope you're having a great week. I'm writing this email to you, Dave, because I found your profile and was very impressed by your extensive background.

<sniiiip>

Thanks again Dave! Let me know when you're available for a quick chat.

The Fed needs to cut down on title inflation

I hope you're doing well.

I'm reading terrible recruiter emails, so things could be better.

I ran across your profile and thought you would be a great individual to reach out to.

You "ran across it"? I should tell that thing to stop hanging out in recruiter bars.

My company is continuing the expansion of its headquarters here in San Mateo, CA. We are searching for a full-time Senior Software Engineer/Architect that is interested in working with the best.

If my two years of experience qualifies me to be a "Senior Software Engineer/Architect" there, I'd hesitate to see what you offer someone who's actually good. Double CTO perhaps? I won't settle for anything less than Software Demigod.

My English parser is broken

Hope your [sic] having a great day down in California. My name is REDACTED and I am an Web Development recruiter with REDACTED in Portland, OR.

Please send water!

Would you or anyone in your network be interested in learning more about this opportunity?

I know an English teacher or two who could help you out.

Everyone hires the best

I had the opportunity to review your Linkedin profile and was very impressed with your background and experience.

Thanks! I try to keep it classy with the default background on my profile.

This position offers lots of growth opportunity, challenge, great salary, equity, amazing benefits and the opportunity to work with some of the most talented engineers in the Bay Area.

Sorry, I'm holding out for Friday massages from Swedish Ruby experts.

I know Beer Fridays are a thing but this is ridiculous

UI Developer Opportunities Throughout the Bar [sic] Area

curl -X POST -d 'foot' /mouth

  • Cutting edge technology stack

You'll be working in:

  • PHP (MVC) - Really? Uggh right? But... you also get to do a lot of work with:

You either can brag about your "cutting edge" technology or you can complain about it. Pick one.

In which a recruiter tries to get me to do their job

I saw your profile and was hoping I could network with you a bit. I'm working with a HOT startup in San Francisco led by ex-googlers and leading venture capital, who are building a new platform that is going to be a real game changer in the Enterprise space worth hundreds of millions of dollars. Do you know of anyone I can share this with, who knows Javascript really well and can work with AngularJS Backbone.js or Node.js? $1000 referral bonus offered for anyone who accepts.

File under "you can tell it's HOT because caps"

You could put an eye out with those exclamation marks!

I'm sure you get this all the time...

Yes. Yes I do. You're not helping.

I came across your profile in LinkedIn and I'm very impressed with your experience as it pertains to front-end web development!

I am a technical recruiter with REDACTED, and we are currently supporting multiple opportunities in the UI space that I would love to discuss with you!

Please suggest a time/best number to reach you, and I will reach out accordingly!!

I'm being recruited by a Markov Chain

My research put your background on my radar and it motivated to contact you, can I ask you to clear your thoughts for a moment?

I work for a unique firm that’s hired by some of the strongest VC’s, and private investors, that have launched some of the most successful startups in the bay to protect them from mediocre talent entering their startups. We build out their engineering teams. These startups we staff share a few common denominators, one they are run by management that refuses to hire anyone other than the top 15% and two these are leaders that have previously built teams considered to be role models in the bay by setting an incredibly high bar in the quality and pedigree of minds they hire.

My firm they use to do their “cherry picking”. Our sole focus is startup engineering, and I focus on Manager and Director level searches. Our typical placement has their heads down and are making important contributions with no interest in checking who’s smelled around their LI profile.

We are respected for our quiet trust in search and for the credibility we have in genuinely understanding the difference between SME’s and mediocre engineers. No “baiting” candidates with sales pitches. We listen then match. It’s been the primary reason, for our successes with Sequoia Capital’s portfolio.

If there’s a variance between where you’re today and ultimately where you see yourself ending up, let’s chat. Your call. I am not a chaser, if you know what I mean. Please take a comfortable exit if this is not the right time, but if you’d like to get to know one another, I am available, unrushed to chat.

I ask you respond to this so I know you have received it. Next step would be a call at your convenience.

WHY ARE WE SHOUTING?

1.0 PRODUCT - SENIOR UI OPENING AT REDACTED

I am contacting you regarding an extremely exciting opportunity at REDACTED. We have an opening for a Senior UI Developer – this is the opportunity for you to make a significant impact in the development of a 1.0 PRODUCT for our new generation of cloud based admin experience. This person will be working side by side with a strong QE, Dev, and UX team and with high visible up to our VP. This role requires the use of cutting edge technology like AngularJs, HTML5, CSS3. As a UI Developer for EUC you will be responsible for generating the face of our business for organizations.